Trying to Tear Down the Walls

This morning I realized that over the past week I have been building walls around my heart again.  These are walls of protection and I’ve successfully built them many times over the years.  You see, when I’m afraid or apprehensive about the future or a certain situation it’s easier for me to pull away emotionally because it makes me feel like I’m stronger and can tackle anything on my own.  If I don’t build the wall of protection my emotional facade tends to crumble and it makes me feel weak and vulnerable.

This morning, however, the walls came crashing down.  As my husband held me lovingly, I allowed myself to start chiseling away the mortar that was holding the bricks together and I wept.  You see, tomorrow we will walk through the doors of a hospital and my husband, David, will undergo another surgery.  We’ve done this numerous times ~ so many times that we’ve actually lost track when it reached into the 30’s.  David was burned over 94% of his body in an explosion at work in 1999.  That’s when our perfect little life was turned upside down.  At that point, we had two young children.  Our daughter was almost 9 years old and our son was only 2 years old.  We lived on a day to day basis for months, wondering if David would survive his injuries and struggled to see what our lives would look like in the future.  It’s been over 7 years since David’s had to undergo an operation.  It seems strange to think that surgeries were a normal part of our daily routine for so long, but now it seems like we’re out of practice and it makes my heart, head and stomach feel like they might explode every once in a while.

I’ve thought about why I built the walls this time.  The mere thought of taking my husband back to the hospital takes my mind and heart right back to the moment I first saw him in the emergency room fifteen years ago when we were very uncertain that he would survive his life threatening injuries.  It’s scary.  It makes me realize that even if I try to create a fake wall so I can feel strong and create the illusion that I’m strong to others, in reality I am truly very weak.  It’s then that I am reminded that when I am weak, HE is strong.  I was not created to tackle life’s difficult times on my own and I’m utterly amazed that I have a Savior who wants me to cling to Him in times such as this.  So that’s what I’m doing.  I’m going to keep the crumbled bricks at my feet as we walk through the doors tomorrow morning and begin another step in this life-long journey.  I’m going to feel comforted knowing that I’m not expected to keep it all together.  I don’t need to pretend that I’m indestructible.  I can find my protection in the powerful hands of Christ instead of in the fragile bricks that always seem to give way under pressure